January 25th, 2004

Daniel Moody

all aboard the love train, wooo wooo!

In case you don't already know, I have told some people already, my grandma is dying. I have had many friends from the net lose their poor loved one and relatives over the last year and its been terminal cancer or something and they only have a few months left to live or something. This is not like that, like "your gran only has a month to live" its not. She is 90 years old and my oldest living relative left. She is my mothers mother. She has had bad health since before Christmas. I guess she is ill and her body is collapsing, but they just say "I think you should come up here", i.e she is getting worse and worse.

She lives in Yorkshire, near Barnsley, about 3 hours by car from London. My family all went to see her at Christmas and she was a bit unwell then. I didn't go because I was really really ill with the flu.

The planned idea was that the whole family is going up there tomorrow (Sunday). Apparently she is in bed, and doesn't really recongise sounds or anything, but isn't "that bad". My brother was coming home from university today for tomorrow. My parents have been getting calls on her progress, she is in a old peoples home. They said today, that she is detiriating fast. My parents have driven up there today and spending the night and me and my brother are going up tomorrow.

Here's the terribly selfish bit on my part, apparently me and my brother have to go by train. I am still not feeling well and don't even really wanna travel by car. It's such a horrid moral dilemma! My brother was persuaded by my father not to drive up there by me, because it uses petrol and there is two cars going back home (but also because he recently got a speeding ticket on the motorway ugh).

My Gran is sick and probably dying, and I do really want to see her, maybe it will be one last time? if I don't see her, I will regret it forever and get totally fucked up in the head.

Somehow I am doing this train thing! Catching the train from London - King's Cross at 10:53am and I get in Doncaster which is fairly near my gran at 1:05pm. Its about two hours with just one stop before ours.

My fears are just really claustrophobia. I get on this train and then I am trapped there! There is nothing I can do. Plus I am feeling shitty anyway + anxiety! But you know I have never had any problems, I have never fainted or collapsed or something really bad happened to me. I am going with my brother. Taking mobile phones / iPod / my brother is taking his laptop and Japanese movies to watch on it lol.

ugh I just wanna get it over with, I have no choice, I have to go, but its like the biggest challenge of my life so far. Our neighbours are driving us to the station, I just gotta get on it, and just relax and it will fly by!

Then we meet my parents at the other end, me and my brother see my gran and we see how bad she is and then we go home in the car in the evening.

I just hope I survive it all.

I gotta go and get to bed, I have to be awake like at 8:30am! argh!
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LIVE from the train!

Nearly at the final stop now and it is going okay it is really crowded and busy! The sad news is that my parents phoned me this morning and my grandma died in the night! We are still gonna go and see the though! I hope its not to stressful, i am always scared i wont know how to act!

its sad about her but she died peacefully at about 6am and her breathing just got less and less. I hope i go the same way and she was nearly 91! More later

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