October 16th, 2001

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Crazy Personality

I started this post yesterday, but didn't finish it off......

I am going slightly insane at the moment with my moods.

It's now one week till next Monday when I am going to hospital.

I get really really bad anxiety, and no one seems to have anything that can solve it or my nausea. Modern medicine or any alternative, seems to cure it, although some help. I never got anything like panic or anything before I first got sick :( I guess I am used to it now.

On Saturday night, I could not stop crying, it was really strange! I watched a documentary that was really good on the Evolution of Aliens in the films, and was interesting and after that I was very tired and depressed and like "weepy", but for no reason, I was never depressed for a reason or something. I guess before I have to do anything, my body starts throwing up the craziest symptoms. I predict I will be suicidal by this weekend.

I wish I could experience what it is like to be normal for a day, I cannot remember. I have not been well since 24th January 1996. I hate the word normal v. much, but people do stuff all day long, and drive and walk and have jobs, and go to school and do so much by the end of the day.

This is my third hospital, but this clinic is specific in my illness. But every hospital has tested, and looked into stuff and come up with nothing. There is no test for my illness or anything to show it in the bloodstream, yet all over the world so many people are sick with it. There was 6 people from my high school year who got it, and 3 including me still have it, and that is just freaky.

I am against the whole hospital thing now, I have been to every test ever, and nothing has resulted, it is stressful for me, and largely pointless, except I know now I don't have a tumour on my brain or something. I don't really see what this place as to offer, except they specifically know about my illness. It is a long way there, like a hour, though central London. So we will see what happens, and if I don't go insane beforehand and have a mental breakdown.

I wish I wasn't emotionally and physically insane
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