June 27th, 2001

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oooh the second entry!
Well I thought I would sort out my old journal first, but fuck that, gonna start writing!

Tonight I was on yahoo, and I was looking though people's profiles, looking for cute guys /and/or interesting people. I chatted randomly to this sailor guy in the US Navy and asked him some questions how was it and stuff? Although I would never join the armed forces, and against fighting etc etc, it is kindda interesting travelling on boats and submarines and things.

We talked for a while and he said I wish there was more women on the boat for me.
Then at the end he said "I am sorry I DO NOT want to talk to you".

That really upset me and I went to bed really depressed and still am now.

When I first came online and wrote on my first ever homepage, "gay male" it was so hard to say gay. I think that the biggest homophobes are really gay. I am gay, but I hate being gay, I would prefer to be a straight female probably if you could be born however you want.

I hate people online who send a random message like "are you really gay?" "you are sick" etc etc How dare anyone EVER write that to anyone. I abhor racism, bigotry or anything. How could someone write something randomly to that. Just because I write that in my profile/info. My friend told me when talking to the sailor to pretend I was female LOL

I normally attack people who attack me online. eg "why are you gay?" "are you really gay?" no I just pretend to be to take all the abuse and stuff.
It's so sad so many people especially young men kill themselves all the time, because they are gay!

It's crap to be gay, and crap to be told not to talk to someone.
"please do not talk to me"

It's his loss really, but why do I feel so shitty?

Please do not question my gender ?

site of the week: God Hates Straights
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    angry angry
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hmmm something strange is going on! There was a letter in the post today from a local hospital for my brother! It is for surgery or something. My family presumed earlier it was just a mistake! But my brother came home and said "he would explain everything later" and then went off with friends.

My family is so funny! Other families shout and argue, but we just go silent and don't talk about anything, we ignore it! It's a bad thing, its far worse I think!!

God what the hell is my brother having done?

My dad went to a funeral today. This lady was really nice and I knew her, she had one of our old kittens. She died from cancer. It started as a little lump in the foot and moved everywhere. She went last week into a hospice and died one day staying there! Really scary. Cancer is all about catching it early. I am so sad for her and her family. She was cremated and I have always said that I want to be buried whole. I had this fear as a child, if you are burnt, you are buried as ashes, I wanna be buried whole. I mean you like dissolve into the soil anyway, but i dunno! Talking about death is so weird. Like if you think to yourself, what is it like when your not here, like you no longer exist, whatever happens next. It's so strange and tingly

All the damn videos in the house are broken! A man is coming tomorrow to fix them. grrrr I swear there is some kindda magnetic force which breaks everything, CD players hifi's etc, its way too freaky.
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    morose morose