I got sick in January 1996 and suddenly then got massive anxiety and agraphobia. I did not want to go outside at all because I felt like I couldn't deal with my symptoms in public. I was scared I something would happen to me, and would embarrass myself.
For years I did hardly leave the house, but in the last two years my life has changed dramatically. I still feel shitty most of the time, but now I am going out and doing things. Everything is so stressful and hard, but I have never panicked/fainted/collapsed or had any problems!
My best friend Catherine got married on the 1st March this year. I planned to go to some parts of it, including the registry office part. I was so anxious about it and also got a horrid flu that was going around at the time. I had the flu for 3 weeks! I missed the actual ceremony part, but my family forced me to go and see her leaving the church and also I went to the reception and it was a really good time! I am actually in photos, and would have regretted it for the rest of my life if I had missed it!
My other bestest friend in high school, Sarah, gets married tomorrow. Her wedding has been planned for 2 years and is going to be a huge affair! Her family are majors (priests) in the Salvation Army and its gonna be a SArmy wedding. Well not totally, its sort of a mix, because she is not really in the church anymore.
Its about 2 hours from my house. We are gonna go about 10am and go there for the service at 2pm. I am so anxious and nervous!
this is like the hardest thing, I have ever done so far!
There is gonna be 140 or more people in that church/citadel. I am just scared of panicking or anything! I will probably mess it all up!
I am gonna sit in a backrow with my family ,and if I feel really unwell I could always leave. But its so damn stressful.
I just want the whole thing over, and to be walking out of the church.
Before I could not even see myself doing it positively. I have fantasys of failure, which are not reality!
I just want tomorrow to be over, I have to sit in a crowded place for like an hour, and relax and not stress out and also look smart!
Hopefully it will go well, or my next entry may be sucidal/ depressed!
I hope no more of my friends get married! argh lol :)
(although I do really support them really and the reason I am going is because I support her and want to see it!)
I guess my pattens have changed so much. Before I would not do anything and now I am just pushing myself and trying stuff. I guess even if I walk out of the church, feeling very unwell, at least I have tried it!
ugh someone get me hardcore transquilsers!
wish me luck for tomorrow, I just want it to go though 2pm and to be like 3:30pm :))