Daniel (shoppingqueen) wrote,

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this post may contain thoughts of a depressing and looking inward nature

Last week was a bit of a crappy week for me really. The week before in my counselling session (I have it every Friday at 5pm) I felt unwell during it and didn't say anything but was sorta uncomfortable and panicking. I felt better as it went on (each session is 50mins) and then got home. After that I felt really anxious about the next weeks session (which was last Friday). I guess I had a bad experience. I went in the end and was okay.

I was really annoyed and depressed about it, because I felt that I have not *improved* in anyway in a year or so. I mean I have done many more things and trying to get back to a normal life in the last 1 or 2 years but I just felt I am back in that position again.

I feel jealous in some ways of people who are totally addicted to something, substance abuse whatever. I am not saying addiction is good in anyway at all, but they are escaping life and don't have to think about it at all. If you take enough alcohol, cocaine or whatever, you can numb yourself and not have to think about or deal with anything!

I remember being high on acid in 1996 and looking at these shapes in the clouds and thinking this is what it must be like to wake up everyday and get totally high and have no cares and a totally twisted perspective on life, which is not even reality. I guess that it all catches up with you in the end, however you try and get out of it!

I always feel like I cannot write what I am currently thinking or feeling. I don't know if its cos I have very poor concentration or crap grammar/schooling, but I read peoples posts and often when I am chatting and stuff, people don't get what I am saying.

o I word things badly/wrongly
o people don't understand what I am trying to express
o maybe it does not matter as long as only I can understand what I am writing down

I always think things to write in posts, but cant be bothered doing it or working out how to word it. I need a device that reads thoughts and puts them directly into writing, its likes the speech to text software.

Perhaps I have good ideas but cannot follow them though practically. Perhaps I have some kind of disease in the brain or tumour. I dunno. it'll make you go insane!

I'm not depressed as this post may make out, its just thoughts

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