in some ways I am fucked up in the head, as everyone probably already knows lol. I have a fear of everyone finding out I am gay and its almost irrational. eg my brother and friends know I am gay. My parents do not although they probably do but I have never formally come out to them. The internet knows I am gay. I have always been open and honest on it about everything. But here is the weird thing I don't want people from my high school finding out. I have this fear of them all knowing and spreading it around. Its stupid because I left the school in 1995 and they don't meet up as a high school anymore and they probably don't even care!

When I was in high school no one was gay or came out openly but people tell me in college and university people become more open and individual, but in high school everyone tries to be the same and not be individual (generally).

If you take examples like my friends reunited profile. I do not say my sexuality, and I do not link my homepage or anything else on the net. There is just this fear! I have told old friends and some people who have contacted me I am gay and they have never cared.

This all comes to a head with face book, which links your high school with your profile. I have entered my school on my livejournal and myspace in the last year, but on face book I can see people I knew from school also linked on it.

I just cant be arsed to hide being gay and all my details on it. If someone reads it and spreads it around, oh well!
I just hope I don't live to regret it you know?

Tags: family, gay, personal, school, uk
Current Mood: sad

I have not updated my journal for 5 weeks, I am so bad!
All the major issues in one post!

Socialist Worker
I really like Hugo Chavez at the moment. A true Socialist leader who does try to help the poor. No leader is perfect but he is giving cheap Venezuelan oil to help the poorest people in New York, London and some other city that I cant remember! It shows we have no Socialist party in the UK really anymore and I love anyone who openly and publicly slags off George Bush.

The Pope
I dislike the man immensely and hate the fact he has an open platform to spread hate and conservative right wing views however all the furore over this speech was taken out of context. I cant be arsed to read the whole lecture he gave, but I hope that he gave some more examples of pro Muslim literature and writings. I am very scared though of the fact that you cannot criticise or say anything bad about Islam or Muslims. If I am allowed free speech then I am allowed to criticise without fear of death. A comment taken out of context is then used to cause rioting and violence and death threats. However much the Pope apologises I dont think this is going to end well for the Catholic church or the Pope against extremist fanatics.

The Stress of Living
When it was my birthday last May my parents brought me a gift voucher for a friend of the families Salon. She has opened a tiny one which is really really popular and is more about health and relaxation rather than beauty and does things like proper massages, acupuncture etc. I went for reflexology with the family friend and I have had it many times in the past but was very nervous and anxious about it, in this place and in a tiny room. I have only ever had it at home before that. It was really really relaxing and I have never been so relaxed! It made me realise that I don't do enough. I need to do nothing and relax more! Its a very great feeling that I have coped, an ecstatic feeling.

The Lesbian
Some friends of my parents have daughters who are the same age as me and my brother and apparetly they have a shocking secret. Actually they don't really and my mum just mentioned at the weekend just casually that their oldest daughter who is the same age as me has in my mothers exact words 'going through a lesbian phase and moved in with a lady'. Strangely my parents are not homophobic at all, although they don't know about me. I feel really proud for their daughter and wanna find out her email address now to send her a email! 'congratulations you are a lesbian!' lol

The Girlfriend
After my last post 5 weeks ago (here) where I was upset that my brother and his girlfriend had split up. I had no reason to get upset, they like split up and then were seeing each other again. They are like so volatile and keep getting back together and then splitting and then getting back together. But I am glad that its not like really over and she is in floods of tears etc. They have rows and then they are fine! Relationships are so complex and after a fight they don't want to get back together as a 'relationship' because its 'too soon' yet spend all their time together and if they are 'separate' surely they can see other people, yet there is probably no way that would happen. Anyway she said she would keep in touch with me whatever happened!

The Darkness
I can't believe it gets dark so early in the evening now! It feels so autumny and winter now! Its nearly the end of September now! I want Summer back!

Tags: beliefs, family, gay, politics, world
Current Mood: contemplative

I was just going to bed and saw this story from Google News - story link

A 20 year old student at a Kentucky small baptist university was expelled this week because he wrote on his myspace profile that his sexuality was 'gay'! (btw I like in the new story they use the term "dismissed" which sounds far lighter than "expelled" or "thrown out of").

The university has a policy in which it claims that it reserves the right to expel a student who "promotes sexual behaviour not consistent with Christian principles."
and that its unapologetic about its Christian beliefs.

So let me get this straight they have thrown out a student who wrote he was gay online. He may never had had gay sex and I am sure other students there do just as un consistent Christian things.

I can't believe they have the right to do that. That would never happen in the UK (I hope!). If you are fired from your job for being gay and lesbian then you sure hear about it with a huge lawsuit. Its unfair dismissal. How is this any different? If I was the family of the boy or is that 'young adult' I would seek legal advice. Then again if I had children there is no way in a million years I would send them to a religious school or university which promotes hatred and un scientific teachings.

Moral of the story is be careful about what you write about yourself online! I am always worried that someone will find out I am gay from the net! lol But these days I just think I will just say oh yeah, did you not realise?
I remember that the fabulous mangojellytoast wrote something criticising her school and a teacher on livejournal and it was seen and she got in major trouble over it. Then again why should someone have to hide who they are online, sometimes its a great place to get support and meet other people who are similar to yourself!

Tags: american culture, gay, gay rights, religion
Current Mood: cranky

I sent this text to a friend this morning...



*Obviously not all soldiers are wife beaters obviously

The news story was from here That there was UK Army and RAF guys in Manchester's Gay Pride marching. I don't think that would ever happen in the US. Is Don't ask, Don't tell still going on?

If companies that need new applicants to come and join, they have to appeal to everyone. The Military needs people and if gays want to join, they need to attract them! Military guys are gorgeous in uniform. I wouldn't join but if they can attract gay people who want to join, that's good right?

I know that most gays in the military are still totally in the closet as there is institutional homophobia! I once had a friend who was a fireman and was totally in the closet because its such a homophobic job and he would have died if any of his colleagues found out about him. He loved his job though, but just kept it quiet.

The Police especially in London, really need people to join up and are trying to welcome any race, sex or sexuality. I have always felt they were good at that, but some people say there is homophobia and racism in the police force. There is all those stories about racism and abuse to people who are Indian or another ethnic minority.

In last years London pride for the first time Gay policemen marched in uniform. There was openly gay policeman before that but they were not allowed to march in their uniform.

If you want people to take jobs, you need to be open to all. The Church is desperately in need of people to join the clergy, but will most sections welcome gay people? I don't think so!

I am going to watch the premiere on Sky Movies tonight of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. for some strange reason it reminds me of McRusty

Tags: gay
Current Mood: amused