in some ways I am fucked up in the head, as everyone probably already knows lol. I have a fear of everyone finding out I am gay and its almost irrational. eg my brother and friends know I am gay. My parents do not although they probably do but I have never formally come out to them. The internet knows I am gay. I have always been open and honest on it about everything. But here is the weird thing I don't want people from my high school finding out. I have this fear of them all knowing and spreading it around. Its stupid because I left the school in 1995 and they don't meet up as a high school anymore and they probably don't even care!

When I was in high school no one was gay or came out openly but people tell me in college and university people become more open and individual, but in high school everyone tries to be the same and not be individual (generally).

If you take examples like my friends reunited profile. I do not say my sexuality, and I do not link my homepage or anything else on the net. There is just this fear! I have told old friends and some people who have contacted me I am gay and they have never cared.

This all comes to a head with face book, which links your high school with your profile. I have entered my school on my livejournal and myspace in the last year, but on face book I can see people I knew from school also linked on it.

I just cant be arsed to hide being gay and all my details on it. If someone reads it and spreads it around, oh well!
I just hope I don't live to regret it you know?

Tags: family, gay, personal, school, uk
Current Mood: sad

I have not updated my journal for 5 weeks, I am so bad!
All the major issues in one post!

Socialist Worker
I really like Hugo Chavez at the moment. A true Socialist leader who does try to help the poor. No leader is perfect but he is giving cheap Venezuelan oil to help the poorest people in New York, London and some other city that I cant remember! It shows we have no Socialist party in the UK really anymore and I love anyone who openly and publicly slags off George Bush.

The Pope
I dislike the man immensely and hate the fact he has an open platform to spread hate and conservative right wing views however all the furore over this speech was taken out of context. I cant be arsed to read the whole lecture he gave, but I hope that he gave some more examples of pro Muslim literature and writings. I am very scared though of the fact that you cannot criticise or say anything bad about Islam or Muslims. If I am allowed free speech then I am allowed to criticise without fear of death. A comment taken out of context is then used to cause rioting and violence and death threats. However much the Pope apologises I dont think this is going to end well for the Catholic church or the Pope against extremist fanatics.

The Stress of Living
When it was my birthday last May my parents brought me a gift voucher for a friend of the families Salon. She has opened a tiny one which is really really popular and is more about health and relaxation rather than beauty and does things like proper massages, acupuncture etc. I went for reflexology with the family friend and I have had it many times in the past but was very nervous and anxious about it, in this place and in a tiny room. I have only ever had it at home before that. It was really really relaxing and I have never been so relaxed! It made me realise that I don't do enough. I need to do nothing and relax more! Its a very great feeling that I have coped, an ecstatic feeling.

The Lesbian
Some friends of my parents have daughters who are the same age as me and my brother and apparetly they have a shocking secret. Actually they don't really and my mum just mentioned at the weekend just casually that their oldest daughter who is the same age as me has in my mothers exact words 'going through a lesbian phase and moved in with a lady'. Strangely my parents are not homophobic at all, although they don't know about me. I feel really proud for their daughter and wanna find out her email address now to send her a email! 'congratulations you are a lesbian!' lol

The Girlfriend
After my last post 5 weeks ago (here) where I was upset that my brother and his girlfriend had split up. I had no reason to get upset, they like split up and then were seeing each other again. They are like so volatile and keep getting back together and then splitting and then getting back together. But I am glad that its not like really over and she is in floods of tears etc. They have rows and then they are fine! Relationships are so complex and after a fight they don't want to get back together as a 'relationship' because its 'too soon' yet spend all their time together and if they are 'separate' surely they can see other people, yet there is probably no way that would happen. Anyway she said she would keep in touch with me whatever happened!

The Darkness
I can't believe it gets dark so early in the evening now! It feels so autumny and winter now! Its nearly the end of September now! I want Summer back!

Tags: beliefs, family, gay, politics, world
Current Mood: contemplative

My brother split with his girlfriend today after going out with her for over a year at least! I feel really sad about it, can't I swap her for him? I am hatching a secret plan to get them back together using drugs, voodoo, smoke and mirrors! Maybe they will get back together! I hope so! I will miss her! She was so nice and a good influence on my brothers life!

Tags: family, late night posting
Current Mood: sad

With all the airport malarkey going on today, I hope my parents get home tomorrow! They leave Mauritius tonight, to get to London via Dubai. They are going to Gatwick Airport but they might not even make it home tomorrow or it might take hours and hours and hours argh!

Tags: england, family
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: Nerina Pallot - Everybody's Gone to War

hey divas

• My father went to the hospital on Saturday as the previous post I wrote right here and its slightly bizarre when you go to your local hospital and find its been totally demolished almost and rebuilt all a new! it has underground parking and is all smart and new! He apparently has Bursitis of the knee! What is it you ask? Apparently we have 'Bursa's' around our joints like knees/hips and elbows which are little pockets/cushions of fluid and are to cushion those places. Unfortunately if you irritate or inflame one of them its really painful! You can do it in a car accident or if you put a lot of stress/weight constantly on them (eg if you rest on your elbows all the time) but my dad was just a one off unfortunate incident! He was kneeling down getting stuff out of a cupboard in my bedroom and did it! He was getting camping stuff for my brother who is currently camping in Newquay! The treatment is ice and loads of ibuprofen type drugs! Its amazing the new things you find out about your body all the time!



• My father said after going to the hospital that he has Blairitis and I asked if that was a syndrome or feeling sick of Tony Blair in power!



• After my previous post here about we (The UK) are going to end up being the only country left supporting America in the Iraq war whilst everyone sensibly leaves. Today it was on the news that now Japan is pulling its troops out! story here. Whilst I love Japan for that, I hate their policy on Whaling and trying to persuade countries to allow Whale hunting again ugh! Its not the same as culling Deer. You don't put loads of spears in Deer until they bleed slowly to death. I don't think we kill any animal as badly as that :(



• Is it wrong to think more football players are sexy on the Swedish side than the English? Will I be clubbed to death by flag waving English gangs? I blame Karin (hej darling!) The Swedish players are so hunky! In the last football world cup I first realised my love of Frank Lampard and there is some other hunky English players but some of those Swedish and I will always have my love of Freddie Ljungberg and Marcus Allback! I think I am turning straight if you ignore the fact I just look at the players and not really the 'playing'. I have actually sent text messages to people debating football issues! Tomorrow the world spins off its access and we crash screaming into the sun.



• Happy Birthday to the sexy and always fabulous Sarah! One of my oldest net friends and the first person I ever talked to from New Jersey!

Tags: birthday greetings, england, family, football, health, iraq
Current Mood: chipper

My mum has taken my father to the hospital department formally known as Casualty and now known as Accident and Emergency this morning. He has had a bad knee for ages but apparently its really bad this morning and very swollen and he is worried it might be infected. Its not life or death but I am sure he will be there for like 10 hours! I now have to wake up and go and walk the dog grrrr!

Tags: family
Current Mood: tired